Saturday, June 14, 2003

How Do I Bluff Thee, Let Me Count The Ways

Two weeks until my older brother gets married. Two weeks. My brother is less than two years older than me. It occurs to me only now that when he was my age, he was already engaged, already planning the wedding; this wedding. With this in mind, I suppose its not too strange then that I am coaching myself on good answers to the question, "So why are you single?".

At the wedding, people may phraise it more politely. They may ask, "Are you seeing anyone?" "So when is the next wedding going to be?" or perhaps, "How are the prospects at home?" Both the bride's brothers are seeing people. My little brother's too young to really date anyone. I'm going to be the only bridesmaid who's not a teenager, dating or married, as far as I can tell. Most of my brothers friends are already married, as are his fiance's. I can see people mentally catogorizing me with the middle aged divorc├ęs.

Its not like I haven't run across this problem before. Back in college, when I went home, people kept pestering me about lack of dating options at school. I bravely told them there were tons of options.. I neglected to say that I wasn't prepared to choose any of them. A few months ago I attended a dinner lecture with my father, and the conversation wondered to the subject of gift bouquets, I don't know how. Someone gently suggested I must recieve quite a few. I told them Dad only gave bouquets to his secretary, nipping that subject in the bud.

But now I need some fresh answers, answers that won't make people run for the hills, fearing a protracted conversation about therapists(If you aren't dating there's obviously something wrong with you) or man-catching strategies, or a big ol' wailing session about becoming and old maid. I would also reather not hear later from my brother that people were wondering if I was pitching for the other team or something. I considered getting Sister Andrea to come with me and presenting her as my life partner, but that really would be false advertising, and Andrea deserves better.

Lets face it, no one likes to talk to single women at weddings. We usually sound bitter and jaded, and mutter about how we don't want to catch the damn bouquet, and wished we were at home jamming ice cream down our gullets. Single men don't have this problem, because they don't attend weddings. They know if they do, someone will pair them off with a single female who's so and so's cousin who isn't that bad looking... I'm sure they prefer the couch and a pint of Ben and Jerry's too, they just won't phrase it that way.

Give me some ideas girls, some schtick about being independent and having a grand time without having to mention I live at home. I know the minute I mention this, a look of pity will come into the listener's eyes, and their attention will drift to Uncle Beevis in the corner of the room working on his third glass of wine. Maybe he's got a tip on stocks he'd be interested in sharing..


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